Rachael

hiii, its been a really long time. the excuse for not writing is that sophomore year i was trying to do better with my life but didn't really end up working out. its junior year now and everything seems to be doing okay..

in my last post i believe i mentioned a boy named Jon, or Jonathan. Well he has been my boyfriend since October 24th 2008, and i have never in my entire life felt this great. hes the most amazing person to me and i feel like i'm the world when i am with him. 11 months on thursdayy!!!

im still currently working at linden ponds, last year i loved it, now i hate hate hate hateee it there. its ridiculous there. only thing is that i met Jon there <3

i don't even know where to begin.
i guess starting with school will be a fine start.
i suck at school. my moms going to have a meeting with my teachers, and guidance consular. my mom wants to get my tested for a bunch of shit cause she doesn't want me to end up like my brother. i'm going great in Bio, just like i was doing great in Physical Science last year. Just something about science keeps me interested, and there is a lot of hands on / visual activities in and out of class which keep my attention. i kind of have an attention problem, also i don't ever do homework it seems, i just can't get myself to do it. i suck at schooool!!


so i'd like to say i met this boy at work, his name is Jonathan, but we call him Jon. he spotted me looking fly.... lemme tell you... wearing a nice button shirt, tie, black pants, you know my lovely work clothes, and sweating a bit too... we met at work, wonderful Linden Ponds. When Brittany N told me that he wanted to hang out with me i was like wtf why! and then we started talking, next thing you know we're going to the movies, out to dinner and hanging out at eachothers houses, with eachothers friends. He makes me soo happy. I haven't been this happy in awhile. Whenever i see him i can't help but smile. i am really hoping high for this one. i think things will work out good. We spent almost all of this long weekend together, him and Lam are like best friends now.. hahah. Things are great.

Sarah slept at my house twice this weekend. I hope she knows that what we say to eachother, about eachother, behind eachothers backs will never change the fact that shes been one of my best friends since the day she moved to Hingham. Hearing her at 1:30 in the morning, asking if it would be alright if she stayed the night cause something had happened to her almost made me cry, i love her a whole lot, and like i've said a million and one times, nothing will ever change that. it doesnt matter if we havent hung out in months or we havent hung out in a few minutes. its just knowing that we still got eachother even if the last time we talked we said horrible things together.

Mondays suck. but its okay, I took a nice nap today and just relaxed. My brother came home from Texas tonight too. Somehow this pasty white brother of mine, came back just as pasty as he did the day he left. Tomorrow I have work, and I really don't want to work. Boohoo. Whatever, I'm making money and I will see Mike and Sophie.  I don't have a lot to say today. I'll get back to this.

so here we are, Sunday night. It's raining right now. But today was beautiful. It wasn't too hot or too cold. Its been like that lately, and I love it. Fall is here everyone, and its lovely. The leaves are changing from there jubilant bright joyous green. To the vibrant oranges, reds, and browns. I love fall, It makes me so happy. Schools hear and empathizes the fall colors. Last fall I made this awesome leaf man with these leaf bags with Christian Zimbone and Chris Benoit . I named him Georgie, I remember his head kept falling off so I duck taped his head to the bench. Its weird how time changes, and things change, along with people. You wouldn't see me making a Georgie II with them this fall and I kinda think thats a shame.

Saturday I went to the plaza with my mom and she bought me Red jeans and Orange jeans. I am going to wear the orange ones tomorrow I think. After we went shopping I met up with Tori, James Y and Steve D cause they were also in the plaza. Then we brought James and Steve back to there homes in Abington, and then Tori and I headed for the hanover mall., where her boyfriend works in Hot Topic there. I think I spent like two hours just hanging out in Hot Topic, haha. But then I slept at Tori's house and it was great. I love spending one on one time with Tori. Shes amazing, I love her and I'm glad her and I are becoming close again :)

Tomorrow, got school. No work, thank goodness. It makes me mad, really. I like working cause I always know that someone I love is working. I've made some pretty awesome friends there that I love, they're all hilarious and make me have a good time at work. I am so glad to just have a break. I know the weekends suppose to be my break but a break from Work and Dance. Just be able to watch my favorite tv show tomorrow night and call Michael Anthony Alves during the commercial breaks and freak the fuck out "DID YOU JUST SEE THAT OMFG!!" hahah.

sooo i havent updated in a really long time.
i have begun working at Linden Ponds, (with my loves Jenna & Mary! ) some days its good. some days its alright. and tonight it was miserable. i cried from being overwhelmed with meals/tables and getting messed up on things. im starting to get cranky. like Sophie said tonight " i bet money on you getting your period tomorrow" she said before i ended up having a tearing melt down. bet i do get my period tomorrow.... hahah. so i've made some friends there. Sophie Yang, obviously. she was one of my trainers. i love her, shes this adorable, short, and funny girl, shes a senior from Weymouth High and i love her. my personal favorite person that i've met was Mike Harrington. something about him i was like this kids going to be my best friend out of everyone. he does magic, and as much as that freaks me out, i love it. its really impressive. hes really smart, and hes also hallirous. i jokingly order him around, and he actually does his best to meet up to what i ask, love him to deat. then theres Shane, gotta love him. hes like this teddy bear that just always makes you laugh and nothing about him to hate. There are twins, Nathan and Josh! i just found out they are seniors.. i didn't know that till today. I know Nate better than Josh but they're both awseome.

school has started. im already fucking up and not doing homework. i have two studies a day. and i sit there and just think about more important shit. like how i need to start sleeping more and how i should take school more seriously and how i just can't. how i need to go the guidance and talk to her before i end up having melt downs like last year, that i am surprised i haven't had yet seeing as though i stick out with a big fake smile a lot.

so if you know me, you most likely have realized that ive lost some people who i use to call my best friends. but you know what. whatever, you gotta move on. and thats exactly what i am doing. im not letting anything get to me. i know what happened was kinda bad and i wish i could take it back. If Alesia's reading this, i still care about you and i hope that we can be friends again sometime. i know things will never be the same between us, but i just really hate how things are between us now. on top of that note there are also the people who are jackasses just because they feel like it, use to be friends with me but then just like went all lame.. unessary to say shit everytime i walk by. like ewww. cunt. and anonnying shit like that. like if you don't like me, save your breath and shut the fuck up. please. do yourself a favor and don't make yourself seem like a douche.

so the whole like how i moved. this will never be able to be home to me. im serious. like i want to go back to what i have called home all 15 years of my life. i want my room back. i want my whole home back. i still can't get over how i will never go back to that house. i will never be in that house and be like this is home. i don't know really how to explain it other than i miss my old house, and i will never really ever be able to consider this home. i grew up in my old house. and i jsut want to go back.


i want a boyfriend. but at the same time i don't. i need to not be so afraid of feelings. and stop pushing away every guy who has ever cared, stop going for the guys that don't give a shit. and find someone i can actually have a realationship with. why do i have to be so anti guy! i need someone to change that for me. someone who can prove to me that i can actually care about a guy and not be afraid that he doesnt care about me. too bad im afraid of all the feelings that come with relationships. exspecailly im afraid of love.

i will stop here.

so everyone knows that Sarah and i were slowly not talking more and more. and we were coming more and more distant. and then we actually ended up in an argument and were completely not talking. but now things are clearing up. were strating to hang out again and i like it a lot. no matter what happens between me and her she will always mean so much to me. no matter what i will think of her as one of my best friends. no matter how i feel about her that day. even if i say i hate her, i don't mean it. i love her. and that will never ever change.

so moving was HELL.
lets see, so we just started throwing shit away like crazy because we were running out of time to get out of my house. my mom kept telling me to get in touch with some guy friends to ask them to help move some heavy furniture, but then i realized i have no one to call. while we were moving out it started to rain. we were there all fucking day and night Thursday moving shit out. till 12 am Friday. then we went back to hull and slept there and then woke up at fucking 5 am to go back and finish. 20 years worth of fucking crap in that house. my allergies were going fucking insane, and for plenty of moments i thought i was going to pass out. Friday morning my mom was trying to have me take it easy oh shit cause i looked as sick as a dog and thought i was going to fall over. Rachel and i were freaking out cause of the huge fucking spiders in the shed when we were trying to get shit outta there. we slept in hull again that night too. next morning we got some dunkin donuts and went to our new house, on Marsh Street. we started to put all the right boxes in each of the right rooms and unloading but we new that we couldn't sleep at the house just yet. so again we slept in Hull. i think the weekend of moving was pretty close to one of the most fucked up things i had ever experienced. my whole family was flipping out on eachother, crying and bull shit. now were in a house that we are renting for two years in crow point. so far so good. i really miss my old house, this doesn't seem like home too me. but i like it here cause its change, and the neighborhood with all my friends. its just still so hard. my shit is like still in boxes and its been almost a month now living here. 

i cant believe its here. today is moving day. im crying typing this. its all hitting me now. really its hitting me hard. i remember last summer being told we were going to have to sell our house or at least have it on the market by fall. i was so confused. selling our house was one of the most stressful things for my family. to know that the For Sale sign was put up because it had to be put up, not because we wanted it there. It was there because if we didn't put it up for sale than where would we be now? the nights that we all went through, the first week being the worst. the fights that the family had due to how much stress was being thrown around the house. my dad blaming everything on himself but acting like it didn't phase him, and when it did phase him it would come out of anger. pure scary anger. anger that would get out of hand, things would be said that shouldn't be said. the running away. the apologies that weren't said but you knew that they were implied. i dont know what to say anymore. im shocked that its all over. the journey is ending, yet just begun a whole new one.

tomorrow is the day to say goodbye to this house. i can't believe this is actually happening. all the times we've said "so when we move" well tomorrow will be here soon enough. come 12 am friday, this house isnt ours. i can't get over this. its really here.. tomorrow, tomorrow is goodbye. forever. i don't think i can do this. im going to cry. heck i've already cried. ahhh. 

july will be over soon..
happy birthday garrett and matt :) your both amazing too me and i love you both more than words could ever try to describe. my family friends Nana died the other day, i feel bad. i never got to expseriance any sort of grandparents so i never know what to say or do when people talk about there grandparents. but its a sad thing.

Thursday is move out day :) im reallly realllly excited. but im scared as hell. i have lived here since i was born. all 15.5 years of my life. all the memories that i have in this house. there going to be just a story to tell. this room that i am in, my room.. wont be mine come Thursday. it will be someone elses. and that scares me. as my room seems to get emptier everyday. i see myself as i pass the mirror with tear filled eyes. i was told that this change was for the best, that it was going to make things better.. how come i feel so horrible packing my things up, how come i wake up in the middle of the night feeling sick to my stomach. i am loosing sleep knowing that i only have three more nights in this room. three more nights. and then its all just a memory. i don't think im ready for this. im scared. im not ready for change yet. the only positive note about this is that i will be off in a neighborhood where i will be surrounded by friends. Thursday and Friday night i would say, im homeless. i am sleeping in Hull at my brothers girlfriends beach house. also known as Rachel Bellew's house or Steven Bellew's. they say the house is haunted.. haha whatever. Saturday is moving in day! its exciting. really it is, i cant wait to set up my new room. but the thing is this house, that i am in at this moment, this was OUR house. our new house isnt OUR house, its THEIR house. its the Geary's house. Mike Geary use to live in that house. his grandparents own that house. us on the other hand, were renting this house. yeah were renting it for like 22 months or whatever. but still. im talking about i want a house we can call OURS and really mean it when i say OUR house. but its theirs. and it will be theirs. and im going to have to get over that.

so last thursday i had dance competition, we got gold!! very good :) so idk how i feel about any guys anymore. they all make me feel weird in not so good way. theres one guy i always feel great around but i feel like i shouldn't. so then i get myself thinking while im with him and stop talking and feel guilty. i don't know what to do when it comes to guys anymore. i feel like no guys make it up to my expectations anymore. ether that i am just being way tooo lame.


rj's graduation party on saturday was awesome. i had a lot of fun. like everyone was shit faced. every dad was obviously like outta his mind, but not as bad as he was at DLangs graduation party. my mom was pretty tipsy herself but she could like never get pulled over for that shit. shes too careful. hah.but yeah it was so great to see a lot of friends i hadnt seen in awhile. sarah was there for a little while but she bailed cause she was bored.. john thomas & drew lincoln & i roamed around the streets for awhile and then made fun of our parents. his dad kept asking for my number so he could TXT message me he said. as soon as i walked away i got a text ssaying "hi" hahah. hes a good guy. he smoked a cigar with drew. bill and i talked and stuff too. all his friends were talking to me and it was really nice. :) some shitt happened, but whatevv ;)

so i think sometime next week or something Alesia & i are going down to the cape to her grampys house in Welfleet.:) also we're planning on going to new york sometime soon. & then Jack Johnscon Concert on august 6th :) i cannot wait. im moving in my new house at the end of july, early august!!! im way to excited for the rest of the summer. its going by pretty quick!

i have dance tonight, last class for this year. i still need to sign up for next year. i got a notice in the mail today that said i should take summer school or i have to retake history and english next year in freshmen classes. which i am not taking summer school, so fuck that. Steve doesn't call me, sweet deal i guess.. he was just a friend, kind of... one that i was like afraid to be with. someone i was embarrassed to be seen with. my brother hated me hanging out with him.. and a few other ppl give me shit for even knowing he lives..

i keep getting slower and slower about this whole posting thing. i post like once a month now. its summer!! Monday starts the first official day. this was only a weekend. i failed my finals miserably. I am going to be somewhat a freshmen next year. FUCKK. Friday was the last day of school for me. I went to the beach Thursdays after school with Sara S & we met up with my friends Steve and Devin. Sara and I couldn't stay that long cause she had to go to work. then Friday my mom brought me and Alesia. then we met up with Maggie and Alyce who were on the other end of the beach. that Night me Alesia Maggie and I went on Steve's boat. Maggie and Christina end up bailing and roaming around hull and then got stuck in Hull with no ride home. Saturday night we were in hull again also with Maggie's ex boyfriend Tyler. shit went down. it was a insane night and i still cannot believe that all of it happened. i am in shock. holy shit. Alesia and I crashed at her house and got out of there fast we felt we shouldn't be there any longer and that we were just corrupting the area even more. and Steveee just called me now... were gunna hang out. idk how this will go over. awkward. im innocent. =)

i pretty much sold my house. our lives will be building back shortly.


i cannot wait, to be in a new house and feel like its a brand new life. summer 08 is going to be an amazing one. i have new friends to share it with. i'll be in a new house. i love everyone that helped me this year. lets just hold it out the rest of the year, and lets make me a sophomore next year!!

i wish that i could fall in love.
head over heels in love.
never separated from eachother love.
thinking about eachother every second love.
beautiful amazing and breath taking love.

negitive money.
fucking nothing.
food, not much.






i would love to win myself a bunch of money and just hand it off to my mom, she could go to the nearest gas station, fill her tank up, and go buy every need for our house hold. our bread and milk, fruit and vegetables, cheese and butter, and some favorite snacks. she could pay some bills and keep us here in this house a little bit longer. so that everyone could feel stabble for just a little while. until we really get back up on our feet. everyday i look at  my mom and i can tell shes struggling, she goes to meetings with a lawyer to help us survive. shes on the phone for hours when shes not working so that she can have a little leeway on how things are going for us right now. someone buy our house?

i am listening to Beer in Mexico, amazing song.
i walked a whole lot today, Christina got me starbucks and i had dance class. hah felt like i was going to pass out in dance cause im stupid like that and if i do more stuff then i usually do my body cant handle it.. all that walking got to me and then dance class hahah. Thursdays are amazing, i love them ohhh soooo much <3

my dad's being a retard again, obviously. so much for me breaking his fingers, complaining over dramatic girl you are.


open house this weekend, there was a showing today, and tomorrow and saturday. then sundays the open house. we had to drop our price again, someone better buy this house fast cause i dont want my mom going threw this shit anymore, yeah its kinda bad for me john and bill but imagine for my mom, and my dad. i want things to be back on track.

so we need to sell my house fast, we have dropped it down twice beacause no bites and we need it sold so we can buy another house and pay off our debts. apparently friday we were suppose to be homeless! my mom told me that one today. cool beans if you ask me.  i just want to fucking sell the house and then maybe  i will have a little bit less shit on  my slate. but i want to move into a neighborhood with kids my age so i will actually have a place to go to when i cant stand my surroundings, cause right now i have no place to run to.

so lets see my report card will have four F's on it.
im going to be a freshmen again.  my mom cant pay for summer school. only way i can not be a freshmen again is if i get an A in every class that i am getting an F in.. i need to learn to focus.  i need to learn to take school seriously.

my dad's a douche bag. he deserves every bad feeling that overwhelms him.
if we are having dinner tonight, i am taking it and coming upstairs with it.

1. This is from my phone 2. Wen u try to impress someone by lookin ur best u end up not seeing them 3. the world will keep going

 

Dad-                                                                                                                                     March 7 2008

 

            I know exactly what will be on your mind today. And I want you to know he’s on my mind too. Uncle Tom was an amazing uncle to me, John and Bill. And I know how much you cared about him. I hate to see you down like you have been in the past, and I never really know what to say about it all. I miss him a whole lot and wish that he could be here with us everyday. Your strong dad, cause I have no idea what I’d do if I lost you, mom, John or Bill, you guys aren’t just my family but my best friends. I know I don’t say it nearly enough but I love you all so much. Uncle Tom is with us all everyday and every second of the day. He’s there rooting us on everyday telling us everything will be okay. He was a loving brother, uncle, husband, friend, and true heart NASCAR fan. I will never forget the sleepovers I had there when you and mom would go away for a weekend or so, He had me convinced that the boogieman lived in they’re attic. I will never forget that he was the reason how I finally learned how to tie my shoes, or when the car blew up and Aunt Kathy had to borrow someone’s car to come get me and the boys at school.  I won’t forget the long car rides up to New Hampshire and the long weekends we’d spend up at Cold Springs, and the hours it took to set up tents, even in the pouring rain. The can crusher on the tree. The late night fires with S’mores and speeding over the speed bumps on the golf cart. I will never forget our wonderful birthdays, from beauty and the beast cakes, to clowns coming and doing wacky make-up. I always bragged to kids at school how my birthday was the same as my uncles, and I still do. Mostly I won’t forget the last few months. Over hearing you and mom talking about how Uncle Tom had gone to the hospital all one day cause he hadn’t been feeling well lately. I won’t ever forget stopping by Uncle Tom and Aunt Kathy’s house and you going inside and coming back out in tears. The car ride home I couldn’t bear, as soon as I saw you face I instantly thought of the worst.  And then you had said it, Uncle Tom had gotten cancer. I remember calling him on our birthday that year, January 27^th, 2005 telling him to get better soon cause I never got to see him anymore and that I missed him a whole lot, and that I loved him and he responded that he was trying the best he could to get better and that he loved me a lot. I remember crying that night before I fell asleep from being so afraid and confused. Then weeks started feeling longer, and everyone was always visiting, I was always over hearing the statement “this may be his last..”  and then the day came. March 7^th, 2005. Coming home from school wondering how everything was going, and just hearing the news. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I had myself convinced that he was going to fight through it, that everything was going to be okay. And it wasn’t, he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I remember standing in the living room watching Bill come up the drive way with no idea, running out and hugging him, both of us coming inside and crying in the living room. The wake followed shortly after, as I stared at his body and I just realized there was nothing I could do to bring him back. I remember standing in the other room watching the slide show with you and seeing all the great memories we had all had with him and not being able to handle looking at the picture of me and him on my 5^th birthday with the crazy clown make-up. He’s in a better place now, away from harm and in no more pain. He’s happy there and doesn’t want us to remember him in tears or anger but in happiness and laughter. It’s been a tough three years but I am always

thinking about Uncle Tom. Every birthday he’s missed, every Christmas, every New Hampshire trip. I didn’t know that the last time that I said goodbye to him would mean forever.  He is our guardian angel now, the sweet sound in the wind, the crashing of the waves, the hot sun to our day, the melody of life. And even though we may not be able to hear him, or see him, He’s near. He’s listening to what we have to say and is missing us as much as we all miss him. Stay strong Dad. I love you so much, you mean the world to me.

 

            Your daughter,

                        Rachael 

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